Ostiarius

On the 23rd of August I moved on to the next Minor Order after spending six months or so as Ostiarius, a door-keeper. Each Minor Order in the AJC has an exoteric focus and an esoteric focus.

On an exoteric level my role was/is to secure the space for our meetings, make sure there are enough copies of the Liturgy for everyone, keep the supplies of candles etc up, and (thankfully this hasn't been necessary) remove and trouble makers. For the most part I have been relatively successful in this aspect of the Order. I'm still working on it but were at least managing to maintain regular meetings and liturgy at St Teresas.

The esoteric work of this Order is to improve one's control of emotions, to subdue one's passions as the Freemason's might say. It just so happened that my entry to the first of the minor orders coincided with a huge upheaval in my life that stirred up an emotional whirlwind for months. It was very much a case of jumping into the deep end to learn to swim. For the first few months I was just completely devastated. At the worst of it I was unable to get out of bed for anything other than work or Church. Eventually I found the space to step back and just watch my emotions. I started to notice patterns in the way they rise and fall. I began to become slightly less reactive, realising that my emotional responses are more often than not based on distortions, deletions, and generalisations of my perception than on any concrete truth of a situation. I'm still nowhere near perfect at this, I still get stressed out at work and catch myself catastrophising tiny situations, but the process has begun in which I am getting better and constantly learning.

One interesting realisation I had at the start of my journey through the Ostiariate is that when people talk about working on controlling their emotions they tend to be talking about negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. People, including myself, don't seem to realise that there may be value in learning to control or balance the positive emotions too. Ecstasy, joy, and even love can run amok and unbalance a person. Frequently these emotions can be based on the same mis-perceptions as the negative emotions and as such need to be monitored as well.

The subduing of passions and the careful watch of one's emotions leads to a clarity and a more critical approach to one's choices in life. This informs the work of the second Minor Order, the Lectorate, which has a focus on the third circuit, mental side of things, developing critical thinking and rationality in what we do. This is part of how the Minor Orders are nested (as are the Major Orders). One does not leave the Ostiariate behind, one is always in need of emotional control thus one remains an Ostiarius when they beome a Lector. Each Order informs the next and the one before it. The Great Work never ends, Alleluia!

Changes

So, a week today is another birthday of mine. It seems they happen every year. These occasions are good for taking stock and looking at how rapidly things change.

In the past year I have stopped being vegan, become single, been baptised and confirmed, entered minor orders and seminary (making me Rev. Mr. Unsane in my church), been made a supervisor of a call centre, taken part in government consultation on religious freedom, DJ'd at the best club in the Southern Hemisphere, began attending my local Golden Dawn temple, and a bunch of other stuff.

The stuff that really stands out for me, besides the earth shattering end of my relationship (which I've bleated about enough) is the Church stuff. I'm responsible for a religious community here in Brisbane that will one day become a Parish. Over the year I've had moments where I've been really on the ball, and other times when I've dropped the ball completely. It's been a struggle and in some ways it still is. Looking back to where I was a year ago I definitely feel more settled and able to fulfil my role as Narthex Leader. The process of Formation, with the various sacramental and non-sacramental initiations, truly seems to be working. I have a long road ahead of me but taking a moment to look backwards reminds me that I am at least moving down the road.

Still Alive

It has been some months since I've posted to this blog. It's been one hell of a rollercoaster. Due to a variety of factors, such my marriage ending and no longer having the net at home, I've not really been in the space to post.

Over the last few months my magico-spiritual activities have been greatly reduced. I have only been maintaining activity with St Teresas, with much of my personal practice falling by the wayside as I dealt with (or hid from) the fallout from my primary relationship ending.

I was received into the Minor Orders of Apostolic Johannite Church. The esoteric focus of the first of the Minor Orders, the Ostiariate, is monitoring and control of the emotions. I've certainly had my hands full with this work recently.

Over the past couple of weeks I've finally got myself to a place that I can manage a daily practice. I've been performing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram twice daily and have begun to include the Middle Pillar every few days. The centering and strengthening effects this has had makes me wonder why I did not start it sooner. It is funny that it is always hardest to do the Work when we need it most.

I had not done the LBRP since sometime last year and was slightly concerned that I would be rusty. I found quite the opposite. The ritual was much more flowing and I could feel the energy involved much clearer than my previous attempts to use it. It took me a while to work out why it was so different this time. Since last year I have undergone a number of initiatory rites with the AJC, from Baptism through to the Minor Orders. I have also been calling upon the Archangels leading the lay Liturgy at St Teresas on a regular basis. I'm taking the improvement in my LBRP experience to be another indication that I'm on the right path with the AJC. Now I just need to get my finger out and do my Seminary assignments....only two weeks to go till the end of semester.

In a final bit of exciting news from me, last Sunday I went along to the Nu Ra Temple of the Golden Dawn to observe a 0=0 initiation. It was a fascinating and moving experience, that gave me a lot to think. Having the opportunity to be in the same room as people who are actually doing the Work was great too. I will be attending the Nu Ra Temple again a week on Sunday and probably on a regular basis after that.

I think that covers all of the bits of my life that are relevent to this blog. Church, Check! Minor Orders, Check! Magick, Check! Golden Dawn, Check!

I have a few posts that I'll be making over the next whenever-I-can-get-net-access that will be a bit more interesting and hopefully generate some comments from the few people that read this blog.

So, if anyone does still read this blog, how are you all?

Malecraft

I try to avoid, and often fail, talking about things that I know little or nothing about. I'm about to fail again, but at least I recognise it and am trying to contextualise it in terms of my personal progress (while still waffling about things of which I have no knowledge).

So, since about October last year I've been reading up on Freemasonry. I got to a point where I realised that a bunch of people I knew (well online at least) were Freemasons and I had no what it was about other than some vaguely sinister notions from anti-mason propaganda, some of which came from my Dad I think. So realising that the good people I knew who were masons saw something of value in it, and hating not knowing stuff, I started reading. I read some books, which gave a variety of angles, some blogs, which gave even more takes on it, and joined a couple of message boards.

Being a bit of a lefty femmo-type I struggled with the exclusive maleness of mainstream Freemasonry, especially those particularly vocal Masons declaring that women can't be Freemasons (despite the existence of Le Droit Humain, The Honourable Fraternity of Ancient Freemasons, and others). The responses I've seen from mainstream Freemasons on this issue have not exactly been convincing but I continued to think it through and try and see different perspectives.

A few weeks ago I hit a personal perspective on it that allowed me to understand "malecraft" to an extent. It ties into the whole "making good men better" thing. Growing up I never had any role models for being a "good man". All of the men in my life growing up, who would have served as role models, were drunkards, abusers, and generally men who shirked their responsiblities. I imagine that in this day and age my experiences are not unique.

The creation of a male-only space, where a man can spend time working on himself with peers and elders to model (to use an NLP term), may create the kind learning environment that produces the self improvement and moral refinement that one seeks. This is not to say that mixed gender groups will not achieve the same just that a male only space can be a unique learning environment. I've had some experience in male only workshops and they have a very different dynamic to mixed spaces. Not better or worse just different. They may actually have an integral place in male development.

Where issues may creep in is when the male only learning environment becomes bound up with ideology and mindless tradition (as opposed to well reasoned tradition). When a given environment or set of practices is followed unquestioningly and becomes "the way things are done" we take our eyes off the goals this practices were put in practice to achieve. This is occasionally true of women-only spaces. There is a danger that the space itself becomes the goal rather than a place to pursue the true goals.

As I said at the head of this post, I'm not a Freemason, I've merely done some reading over the last few months and am trying to relate what I'm reading about to my own experience. I'm trying my best not to judge anyone's practices, at least that's not my intention, merely looking at something from the outside and giving a horrendously uninformed take on it. Which is what blogs are for aren't they?

Ferret Shock & Ego

It's been a good few months since I fell off the wagon in terms of magical practice. I have my usual array of excuses (my continuing dark life of the soul being at the top of the list). Today I acknowledged another excuse, or at least a challenge in my path, magickal ferret shock. Quite often I'll be plodding along my path, doing what I need to do, then suddenly someone makes a really interesting blog post about some other magical path or someone gives me a book or two on something unconnected, and I'm distracted. My butterfly brain hopes from eight-petalled flower to eight-petalled flower and I stall. I question what it is I'm doing and whether some other path will be more useful at the moment.

Now this could be my "psychic censor", as Pete Carroll calls it, intentionally blocking my path. The reality is sadly a little more mundane. It's my usual problem of ego. While I know damn well that I should be chopping wood and carrying water (ie concentrating on LBRP and MP) I read about all the exciting stuff that people are doing, the invocations and evocations, skryings and astral travellings, and I want a piece of that. It's not that I think I'm above the basics, I've got that aspect of the ego under some form of control at least, merely that it can get boring.

I just need to engage in a bit of discipline and get back to chopping wood and carrying water. This is my Great Work of 2009 I think:

Carry water, chop wood
Eat Rice, Wash Bowl
LBRP, MP

St Teresa of Avila Narthex

On Sunday the 18th January 2009 the Gnostic community of which I've been a member, here in Brisbane, met for some initiations. The location was College's Crossing, an idyllic spot on the outskirts of the city. The gathering was to receive members of the community into the Apostolic Johannite Church, give the sacrament of Confirmation to two members, and for me to be baptised. These initiations were framed within the Johannite Divine Liturgy given by Father Tim Mansfield. During the proceedings Father Tim made the announcement that we had been given official status as a Narthex of the Apostolic Johannite Church and I was given the honour of becoming the Narthex Leader. There was also the surprise announcement that I have been accepted into the Seminary program at St Raphael the Archangel Theological Seminary. These announcements were the icing on the cake of an already amazing day.

Sunday was the culmination of weeks and months of work, both in terms of our community here in Brisbane and, on a more personal level, as part of my own spiritual development. Earlier in the week I had received the Sacrament of Reconciliation in preparation for my Baptism. Looking back on Sunday much of it is a blur with moments picked out and locked into my memory.

One moment that stands out is my Baptism itself. The rest of the rite on the day was shared with my Narthex but for the moment of my Baptism, in the middle of the Brisbane River, it was just Father Tim, the Divine Presence, and myself. Those words, "Prenna, I baptise you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.", were for me alone as my relationship with the Divine can only be for me. Being immersed was a strange experience of both absolute embodiment, as I was very aware of the coldness of the shark infested waters, and at the same time a meditative altered state. There was a centredeness between both experiences that brought them together.

The other major moment that stands out is when Father Tim made the announcements about our Narthex, which I knew was going to be made, and my acceptance into the Seminary, which I had no idea about. I felt an even stronger bond with my fellow Narthex members knowing that our hard work together had paid off. There was pride in what we'd achieved and an awareness of the long road ahead.

An overwhelming emotion for me on Sunday was one of gratitude. I felt blessed and grateful for the friendship of the members of my Narthex, the support from Mar. Iohannes IV and the Apostolic Johannite Church, the presence of my wife to see me through all this, and the continuing friendship, support, and kicks up the behind, from Father Tim Mansfield. I am incredibly lucky to have all these people beside me.

I hope I can continue to serve my community and my Church well in the future.

In Light,

Prenna Unsane
Narthex Leader - St Teresa of Avila Narthex, Brisbane, Australia

Reconciliation

Tomorrow morning I'm receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time in my life. It's coming ahead of my baptism and confirmation on Sunday. In preparation for this Sacrament I've been digging through my past and identifying those moments where I have "missed the mark", as the origin of the words sin means. Over the years I've been very aware of the big mistakes and lapses of judgement but this process has passed a magnifying glass over the every day, and sadly I mean every day, ways in which I fail to attain the standards I have set for myself.

As the process has continued it has seemed at times that I've barely had instances of hitting the mark. It has been easy to fall into the trap of constantly beating myself up about all this stuff without doing anything about it. Reconciliation is so much more than just picking up on your faults. That is merely the beginning of the process.

My hope is that Reconciliation is truly that, a process of reconciling those past and present acts, behaviours, and personalities, that I have kept at arms length for so long. The fragmentation of Self caused by intense feelings of guilt only serves to keep us separated from ourSelves, each other, and the Divine. Having identified those failures that needed to be addressed I am now in a position to make amends where possible, ask forgiveness (as much from myself as from the Divine), and put down the burdens I have been carrying so I can see the path ahead clearly instead of fighting to peak around a towering bundle of past mistakes.